Each relationship has a trunk of censored communication. It is stored in a corner far from daily traffic, and has two identical keys. You have one, and your partner has the other. Most days, months or years the key sits on a high shelf because you have no reason to use it. Or maybe you are simply afraid, ashamed, or distracted. It is easy to forget about the key and the trunk altogether. Life is busy, and most days, good enough. You and your partner pay the bills, go on vacation, and entertain. But one day one of you stumbles across the key, seemingly by accident, and realizes an urgency to pick it up. Maybe your love has gotten old or started to taste bitter, or you look at your partner and see a stranger.
You now have a choice to make. You either go and unlock the trunk, or lose the key. Either thought makes your heart pound heavily in your chest. You feel the need for courage.
You have to decide where you want your courage to take you: further into the relationship, or out. Most couples I see in my practice are at this juncture. They have decided to pick up the key and stand at the trunk. The children’s book “If You Are Afraid of the Dark, Remember the Night Rainbow” comes to mind. This lovely book is full of soulful encouragements for difficult times, and here is the one I am thinking of: “If you lose the key, throw away the house.” When a couple comes to see me with keys in hand, they are trying to decide whether they want to keep the house. This alone is an act of bravery. If they do want to keep the house, they will need to unlock the trunk and venture out of their comfort zone and into the unknown of unasked questions, half-truths, acquiescent compromises and silenced desires.
While not easy, this is their chance. It is a chance to deepen their intimacy and friendship, and to take their ability to love to a new dimension. There is much work to be done as each partner has to reach for this dimension independently, and as each other’s process can’t be known ahead of time. This requires a vision, faith and good strategies. But above all, it requires that you are able (and resolved) to stand in the hot bed of transformation.
How to do this?
1. Love yourself. Acknowledge that being human is complicated and messy, and love yourself for trying to figure out how to live well.
2. Be grateful for the possibilities that grow out of this situation. Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
3. Remind yourself that your challenges are temporary. Remember other difficult times you have experienced in your life, and that you have overcome them.
4. Don’t let yourself be consumed by fear. Instead, let your fear beget a corresponding strength. For example, if you are afraid of abandonment, adopt yourself. If you are afraid of betrayal, hold on to your truth.
5. Return to the basics. When you don’t think you can stand to be in the hot bed of transformation any longer, stay with your breath. Don’t speak. Weigh your heart in favor of your words. Hold it gently.
6. Allow your partner to do the same.
7. Bless you both.