Every now and then I have a client who doesn’t show up for a scheduled session and I don’t hear from the client again even after I check in. What I do “hear” though is a no. It may not be an openly communicated no, but it’s a no nevertheless. A choice was made, and that choice didn’t include working with me. Generally I’m okay with that. My clients don’t owe me an explanation. They are in charge of their own life. Also, voting with our feet is sometimes easier than voting with our voices.
Communication can be messy. It often takes time and is uncomfortable. Especially when there is a no involved.
Learning to say no, clearly, compassionately and timely, is a main developmental tasks growing up. Most of us (myself included) don’t have this one figured out by the age we are legally an adult. Saying no sets boundaries, and boundaries are not always popular when we are in relationship with others (or want to be). Saying no draws demarcation lines between us and our spouses, parents, children, siblings, co-workers and so on. From an attachment perspective, this is risky. We could lose closeness and connection when we say no.
But no’s are important. Without no’s we are a river with no banks. We may end up wandering through life without a sense of purpose and direction, and are surprised when we run out of steam. We need no’s to forge and nurture our identity (my 13 year old daughter reminds me of this daily), we need no’s to protect ourselves from burn out, hurt, depression, resentment and physical depletion. We need no’s to assert our own self-worth and to be true to ourselves. Our no’s are the scaffolding of our dreams.
What are you longing for? What hopes and dreams do you wish to support?
Give me a call if you need support saying no. And feel free to say no to that if that’s what’s right for you. Warmly, Tina