One of the reasons why I do the work I do is because life has dealt me my own share of hits and blows. Like you, I am not immune to loss and pain; no one is. Thirty years ago on this day, it came on a very cold early morning in February; the sun had not come up yet. The woman was quiet when she approached me, carrying in the folds of her white gown failed attempts of resuscitation and the smell of plastic gloves disposed of with a heavy heart. After I had taken the seat she had offered me, she told me that my mom had died that night. I was 19.
My mother’s loss has been with me ever since. Losing a loved one always is. As I am writing this, I am looking at a photograph of my mother and me. I am about one year old, standing on my own two feet. My mother is crouching behind me to steady my steps, offering me a hand which I am gripping with every muscle I am able to command. Eighteen years later, her hand was gone. But I have not loosened my grip. I am still trying to hold on. It has been a balancing act, steady at times and when I was able to lean on other people, and frightening when the only hand to hold was my own. This is when grief was my only companion, close by but keeping a respectful distance to let me figure out what else there may be worth holding on to. Sometimes this was only a wad of tissues, or the pillow over my head. At other times, grief let me reach for rage and rebellion. How dare you leave me like this!!
Then, one year, I came across a short thanksgiving prayer. When grief comes to visit now, I try to remember it. I give thanks to unknown blessings already on their way. Saying this prayer in my mind takes away the sting of loneliness, soothes bruises of jealousy, and stops the hemorrhaging of hopelessness and despair. It is soul first aid. I give thanks to unknown blessings already on their way, and when I do, I remember how much good can come out of loss. When my mom died, I did not know what blessings would come my way (blessings?! what kind of cruel joke is that?), but come they did. To this, steadfastly hold. Unknown blessings are already on their way.