Teenagers are not the only rebels. Many of us 18 and older are rebels still. We are rebels with a cause. We continue to fight our aging parents and try to make room for who we want to become. We are, it seems, stuck in a state of arrested development.

Maybe you didn’t get to yell back at your parents because their rage was deafening, or slam doors because your mother was in bed all day with curtains drawn, or give your father the finger because he was drunk all the time.

Yet the rebel in you holds on. It hasn’t given up its cause. It simply ages. But you don’t have to go to your grave rebelling. You can change your cause, and start growing up.

There are plenty of good causes to fight for but I’m not thinking of world peace or saving the rain forest (though if this is your calling, more power to you). I’m thinking of causes without cause.

It is common in psychotherapy to look to our childhood for the causes of our issues and struggles. It is also common that our parents get the blame. After all, they were supposed to be the ones to take care of us, to protect us, to love us unconditionally. That they didn’t was their fall from grace.

But the child within you can’t help wanting care, love and protection. And so it goes out into the world to seek it from lovers, spouses and the next generation of children. Who then fall from grace just the same.

So it goes on and on, for decades and lifetimes. Until you give up your childish expectations and see that your cause has no cause. The Buddhist concept of dependent origination affords us this view: All things arise in dependence upon other things. Our parents were once children to parents themselves who were children to parents themselves who were children…

There is no way you can trace a cause of your plight.

But you can release your parents. You can begin to realize that no, they weren’t supposed to behave differently than they did. They behaved exactly as expected. (By the way, this is also true of our lovers, spouses and children.) And while this may be sad and tragic, it is the truth. When you stop wishing things to be different, you can finally come of age.

This topic can bring up strong feelings for many folks. If you would like support exploring those, please set up a consultation with me. I would love to talk to you.