Before you go on reading, look at your last 24 hours and come up with one or two things that didn’t go the way you wanted. This could be something small like burning your tongue on a cup of hot tea, or something more jarring like a comment from your partner that you didn’t ask for. Leave out, for the moment, bigger, more existential blows, like losing a pregnancy, getting fired from a job, or finding out that your partner had an affair. Instead, stay with the more minor assaults of life, the kick in the shin, not the spear to the heart. Did you get something? This is where we shall start our practice.

When something doesn’t go the way you want, you have basically two choices: to accept or not to accept what you’ve got. Both are well worth your while. Accepting the situation looks like the more generous of the two choices, and often it is. Accepting your child’s messy room four times out of five or your partner’s limited ability (or failed attempt) to read your mind may be indeed the kinder way to go about the situation, but not always. Acceptance can become submissive or even suppressive. Letting go and exhaling one time too many can leave you out of breath. Worse, it is the breeding ground for abuse of all kinds.

We all have different dispositions for acceptance. You may be more the type that accepts things easily, or you may be more the rebellious type. You may be both in different relationships and situations, depending on your level of control and safety. Take note of that when something doesn’t go the way you want. Acknowledge that this may not be want you wanted, but this is what you’ve got. Then ask: What did I get? What are my feelings here, and my thoughts, and what does my body say about all this? Apply your attention liberally. Find out if another exhale is called for, or a deep breath in. Be in the moment. This is not about following a protocol but about getting to your truth in each moment. Because this is what you’ve got.