As adults, we are quick to brush off feelings of hurt. In public, we cover them up with a smile or a wave of the hand. It’s not that bad, really. In private too, we may dismiss when we feel misunderstood, put down or overlooked. Instead of letting ourselves have our feelings, we tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel this way. We shouldn’t be selfish and take up too much space. Just get over it now, would you!

One of my clients made it her goal to stop having “pity parties”. While a more positive outlook on life is always a good idea, I felt disturbed by this idea. It sounded demeaning and self-critical, void of kindness and caring for what there was to pity in her life. Unknowingly, she had adopted the critical voices of other people in her life, past and present. You are not good enough. You are not that important. You never think about others.

But now she would be done with this once and for all. No more pity parties! Imagine this party list. There is the girl who wants to be seen, the sister who is doing her best, the daughter who is worthy of love, the mother who wants to be forgiven, the son who wants to be accepted, the brother who wants to be remembered, the husband who is deserving of kindness. But alas! the party is called off. Go make yourself useful! We don’t have time for this!

But not having time for this doesn’t make our feelings go away. There is a reason why they keep showing up on the party list. Our disenfranchised feelings want to be known. They are like orphan children who are just asking to be taken in. Please let me feel safe with you. Give me a home. I won’t be here forever.

Next time you feel hurt, put on a big party. Get boxes of colored tissue paper to wrap your tears, light a candle for each of your guests, and have party favors ready: A blessing. Heartfelt affection. A comforting hug. If you can, share these with someone who cares about you, a friend, your partner, a pet. If no one is around, double your care for your charges. Hold them, rock them, hear them. Be gentle with yourself, and your most generous host.